Courage and the Elephant in the Room

I love this picture.  Not only are the people in the room looking the other way, seeming to feign disinterest – but the elephant is uncomfortably scrunched in the corner – trying to become as small as possible (unsuccessfully).   In real life, when you are faced with an elephant in the conference room, what do you think the typical avoidance behavior is really about? Are you afraid to say what you see as true?  In what situations are you afraid to speak your truth? To your boss? To your colleague or partner? To your team? What are we all afraid of?

At work we’ve learn to play the politics game – avoiding conflict, fitting in, going along to please others – and especially sidestepping issues that are “sacred cows” to the boss.  Funny that we put our fear and inability to speak on animals that actually can’t speak – cows and elephants.

Most of us have attended a meeting where an issue is avoided – and nobody seems willing to talk about it.  Because we avoid conflict, it is tempting to just let the issue slip by unaddressed.  And so many times what happens next is very predictable:  The pain of dealing with the problem in the present turns out to be minor compared to dealing with future breakdowns and undesirable outcomes.  Not to mention the systemic corrosion of trust, destruction of relationships and the multiple impacts of indecision when issues are left to fester and boil.

To speak your truth, to discuss the elephant in the room:  First you must acknowledge its existence.  Then you muster the courage to speak up and say something.

However, in my experience, it seems we make up excuses to avoid speaking up at all costs:

• It’s not my job to point out the elephant.
• I’m not sure I have all the facts about the elephant.
• Someone with more experience will bring up the elephant, surely!
• I don’t want to be made a fool if everyone already knows about the elephant.
• I don’t want to be fired for talking about the elephant – it’s my boss’s pet.

Ah Courage . . .  how do you gather up your courage to get past your fear and excuses?   And how do you quiet that pesky voice in your head?

In “Daring Greatly” the author, Brene Brown, discusses the topics of fear and courage in organizational cultures.  Brene’s work is not a list of “To Dos”, but inspires a shift in approach built on understanding why we are afraid.  She addresses our innate fear of failure and humiliation, how this erodes our courage and the price we pay as a result.

Build your courage muscles.  Practice new approaches to discuss the elephant in the room:

• Be vulnerable – pointing out the elephant will feel painfully uncomfortable in the moment – but worth it in the long run.
• If you point to the elephant, the facts will show themselves. Develop the courage to say what you see.
• You have to fail to practice courage – you’ll gain more experience as a result.
• Yes, everyone knows about the elephant – but they are afraid to say anything. It takes courage to make a fool of yourself.  It’s the price of making a difference.
• Pointing out the boss’s pet elephant has fleas might get you fired. If that happens you might have saved yourself years of languishing under his intolerance.  You are building courage by owning your story.  And as Brene Brown says, “If you own this story you get to write the ending.”